SILENCE = CONSENT

Loving the Big Black Man

I used to get offended when people referred to me as “BIG MAN.”  I used to hide and get depressed or intimidated when someone I thought I could possibly be interested in had issues with my size, my being a minister, with my being an openly same gender loving man.  I used to downplay my personality, act like a caricature in public, and secretly nurse a wounded spirit with low self-esteem.  For years, I suffered from outward rejection and eventually turned that rejection on myself.  Saw myself as not good enough.  Not fit for anyone or anything.  Then I thought…what the hell?  DAMMIT, I REFUSE to suffer at the hands of rejection any longer.  In fact, I’m thankful that man’s rejection is God’s protection!

How can I say all this?  Well, I’ve seen my share of rejection in my day.  I let it almost kill me.  See, I’m a big boy, and there are those who are intimidated by my size.  I’m a black man.  There are those who hate me just because of that.  When you throw in my uniqueness, my style, talent, intellect, anointing AND sexuality…people just can’t handle all that makes me as BIG as I am.  So most of the time, they stop at my color and size.  All they see is a big black man.

I had to learn that when someone rejected me, that thing ain’t about me….it’s about them.  I’ve learned that man’s rejecting me is God’s way of protecting me from the issues that the person doing the rejecting is dealing with.  He’s trying to keep me from going through unnecessary drama.  I finally had to understand that I AM A BLESSING.  Sent to this earth by God to enhance creation.  I have the power to change time.  To make history.  I am well able to accomplish everything my heart, mind, and spirit dreams about.  God has given me all I need to live up to my fullest potential.

I’ve learned not to let ANYONE make me feel like I am less than the blessing that I am.  I don’t beat myself up because someone is too blind, shallow and/or self centered to reject me.  It’s THEIR loss, not mine.  I’ve decided to continue to be who God made me to be.  Besides, nobody but God knows what issues that person is dealing with.  They could be six kinds of crazy.  They could be dealing with mess that and drama that I don’t need in my life!  When people reject me, I now see their rejection is God doing me a HUGE favor.

Well, FINALLY I thank God I’ve learned to inhale peace and exhale joy…and know the beauty of loving God and myself; in spite of what people accept or deny.  I’ve redefined freedom for myself.

 

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